Faces
by HPSpazMonkey
Summary: What would Harry Potter be like if Harry, Ron and Hermione were like people in the real world? Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1: THE COMMON ROOM

Ron, the orange-haired boy, sat on his orange bed with orange sheets and orange hangings and orange posters hanging near his orange trunk. He was writing on a yellow piece of paper, which he thought clashed terribly with the rest of his decor. Harry, wearing all black, sat next to him, writing poems about death and darkness that didn't rhyme. Ron thought this very tacky, and said so. "Harry, black in this room is tacky. You need to wear some white. Clashing is in. Those poems are really too depressing. You should know these things." Ron shook his head and folded his paper neatly into a square, so that it would fit in his khaki pockets. Would Harry never learn?

"Shut the fucking hell up, fag." Harry said, straightening his sunglasses.

"Dude, that's not cool." Hermione said quietly, setting her tie-dyed bag on the table. She pulled out her knitting needles and set to work knitting hemp pants for the house-elves. "Where's the love? And where'd the color go?" she added, grabbing the end of Harry's black shirt. "Be careful, brother, or I'll steal this in the middle of the night and dye it white."

"That's what I told him!" Ron said, looking up from ironing his white shirts.

"Right on." Hermione made a peace sign with her hands and nodded before Harry shoved her off the couch.

"Would you both fuck off? I'm having a MOMENT." Harry hissed, and started writing furiously on his piece of grey paper.

"Oh my God, Harry, where do you get your paper? I've been DYING to find some pink, or maybe even some ORANGE paper. This yellow paper is all bad feng shui." Ron clucked his tongue and walked his neatly folded shirts up to his room.

Harry turned to Hermione. Actually, he couldn't see anything, so he turned to his left before he remembered she was on his right. "What is wrong with that guy?" He asked. "Those bright colors hurt my eyes."

"Dude, you're wearing black sunglasses. How do they hurt your eyes? At least my purple ones let me see."

"What are you talking about?" Harry glared in the wrong direction.

"Whoa! Awesome! I finished another pair of pants! I gotta go give these to Winky. She keeps burning them, somehow, man..." Hermione walked out, her brown sandals slapping annoyingly against her heels.

Suddenly, Harry had another moment, and wrote down a line that didn't make it to the paper because of his black sunglasses: _Normal people scare me. _


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2: A NORMAL DAY

"Honestly, Harry, black AGAIN? People are going to get ideas..." Ron shook his head as he and Harry walked down to the Great Hall. Ron walked in white slip ons, wearing tweed pants and an orange Polo imitation. Harry was wearing a black shirt, black cargo pants, and sunglasses that caused him to randomly, but frequently, run into things.

"Shut the hell up. The world is black. Black engulfs me." Harry recited, straight out of his poetry book.

"Well, maybe if you let some pink LIGHT in, that would help things." Ron sighed, and pushed open the doors. It was like every morning: Dumbledore playing his guitar, the students screaming and clapping along while alcoholic beverages and nacho's were sold by good-looking waitresses.

"School's out for summer!" Dumbledore sang into the microphone. He was very, very, very old, and obviously suffered from magical memory loss. McGonnagal started rocking her bass and Snape picked up the tempo on his drums when Ron grabbed some nacho's for him and Harry.

"I don't think leather is a good look for the old man." Ron said sadly, as if Dumbledore were forced to wear the small leather shirt and thong-like shorts he was wearing. A chain hung from a stud in his nose, and his hair was gone, so he had a tattoo of a dragon there instead.

"What leather?" Harry squinted in the wrong direction as he collided with a waitress carrying a large mug of beer, which spilled all over his clothes. "Argh! Damn it!" He screamed, ripped off the sunglasses, and stalked out of the room.

"Ron, my brother! Over here!" Hermione waved at him, and Ron made his way through the crowd towards her. She had found a corner where only a drunk Lavender sat, mumbling incoherent things under her breath. "Nacho's?" Hermione grabbed some and stuffed them into her mouth. "Nofing like food from da Earf." she sighed. Ron decided not to point out that the cheese was processed and high in saturated fats and calories, and the chips were made from about 2 corn and fillers made up everything else. She swallowed her gulp, and Ron wiped his hands obsessively with a napkin.

"I think they should do more with the mood of this place. What's the theme?" Ron mused, to no one in particular.

"Uh, rock. Even you should know that." Ron looked around him and had to agree. Stage lights, posters of wizarding and muggle rock bands, and speakers lined the walls and ceilings of the room. On his first day at Hogwarts, Ron had learned never to look at the floor. He had passed out the first time he did. Trash. Food. Other..things. No one bothered to clean it up. Filch was a lazy ass and his cat, Mrs. Norris, sat and cleaned herself all day.

Dumbledore spent his time polishing the Sorting Microphone, which simply sang out the house you were assigned to, along with a few choice words of advice. For example:

Hufflepuff: "Keep your fat ass off a broom, you dumbass."

Slytherin: "For the love of God, get AWAY!"

Gryffindor: "Oh joy. Another Gryffindor. Well, what am I supposed to do, clap? Get out of here!"

Ravenclaw: "CoughSMARTASSCough"

"Well. Ms. Granger? Would you tell us the answer? If you get it right, you can have a fresh-baked cookie!" Snape beamed at her and held up a tray of chocolate chip cookies.

"Whatever." Hermione answered, making the peace sign before turning back to her knitting.

"Hm. Well, I can see that you tried, so you can have a cookie anyway!" He placed a cookie with a red icing heart on her desk, and Hermione quietly passed it to Ron.

"Oh, fabulous! Thank you, Hermione!" Ron beamed at the cheerful-looking cookie and started eating it bit by bit.

"Oh my frickin God." Harry hissed, and started banging his head against his desk.

"Harry, stop that. You're going to hurt yourself, and we don't want that. Why don't you skip the homework tonight? We don't want you do get a headache!"

Harry glared at Snape through his sunglasses. Snape's bright green smock would have definitely hurt his eyes if he had been able to see it.

"Ooh, I just ADORE that apron! It clashes with the room...in a good way!" Ron said giddily, and started taking pictures of the room and Snape's apron with a small camera. The green did indeed clash with the red of the cushions and the brown of the polished wooden tables all around the room. It even clashed, yet matched the blue tea set that sat on each table.

Suddenly Snape looked at the clock. "Oh, shucks. It looks as though we didn't get any work done AGAIN! That's too bad. But it doesn't matter! I hope you all enjoy your free time!" Snape handed out cookies at the door as each student left. Ron ate his slowly, Hermione pulled something green out of her pocket and sprinkled hers with it before she ate it, and Harry dropped his and crushed it with his foot.

"That spot from the icing may never come out of his carpet, Harry." Ron scolded. "I hope he has some baking soda on hand..."

"For God's sake you KNOW he does, the man's a fucking PANSY." Harry said darkly, before running into a pillar and knocking a vase over on his head. "DAMN IT!" He screamed, and crushed his sunglasses under his foot. "ARGH! THE LIGHT! MY EYES!" He clamped his eyes shut and felt the ground for his sunglasses. Once he found them, he stuttered "Arculous Repairo!" and shoved them stiffly over his eyes.

"Harry, you could damage your corneas that way. You could go blind."

"I don't give a rat's ass."

"Save the rats!" Hermione screamed, and held up a sign that read _Save the Rats_ in red paint.

"You want rats, go to the Great Hall, moron." Harry tried to push her in that direction, but succeeded only in tipping a large suit of armor over on himself.

"ARGH! DAMN THESE SUNGLASSES!" Harry screamed, but kept them over his eyes.

In the mean time, Hermione sped off to the Great Hall, and started collecting rats as a sign of protest. Ron showered, brushed his teeth, and ironed and folded his clothes for the next day. Hermione and Ron both forgot about Harry, who spent the night crashing into things and finally ending up falling asleep in Mute Myrtle's bathroom.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3: HOGSMEADE

Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny, who had insisted on coming along, walked slowly to Hogsmeade on Saturday morning. Mostly this was because Harry could barely see, and when the sun came out he hid behind Ginny's leather jacket. "God, Harry, watch the leather!" She snapped, pulling it away from him.

"Aah! No!" He cried, and placed it firmly over his head. Soon he tripped and caused Ginny to fall over as well, followed by Hermione and Ron.

"Oh no!" Ron cried, "My khaki pants! I hope I have some of those stain wipes left..."

Ginny rolled her eyes, but then realized that Harry couldn't see her and Hermione was eating raw Asparagus, so no one would have noticed. "Why didn't we just bring my bike?" she whined. She had a huge Harley-Davidson, and she was obsessed with it.

"_Because_, Ginny, gas ruins the Ozone layer! And besides, walking is healthy!" Ron stretched his arms out like he was trying to give the sky a hug. Harry almost puked.

Hermione applauded. "Right on, man." She said, between bites of a head of lettuce.

Soon they reached the Weasley Twins' Music Shop, where they sold classical music and magical pianos. Mr. Weasley had made enough money off of begging on street corners to give them some help. Harry had flicked them off.

"Oh my God! Look at that bench! I have to have it!" Ron dashed into the store, followed by Ginny. Hermione stayed outside, eating a carrot. She started to hold up a sign that read _Save Electricity for Mongolia_, but Harry snatched it out of her hand and ripped it in half.

About half an hour later, Ginny came out wearing a new black bandana that Harry offered her 500 Galleons for, and Ron was carrying a large white box. "They gave me a terrific deal!" He exclaimed, not trying to hide the excitement from his voice. "They're going to buy me some new pants, just for buying this bench! Do I have great brothers, or what?" Ron babbled all the way to Miss Rosie's Burger Joint, where Harry and Ginny sulked in a back booth, Hermione ordered tofu, and Ron bought a strawberry milkshake. Finally Harry took his milkshake away and told him to shut up.

In his free time, Harry decided to write more poetry, Ron decided to apparate to Saks Fifth Avenue, and Hermione went to a charity concert in California. Harry was in the middle of one of his moments when Seamus Finnigan burst into the room. "Hello. What. Is. Up. Harry. I. Was. Just. WonderingifIcouldborrowaquillthanksbye." Harry had slid his sunglasses half way down the bridge of his nose and glared at Seamus. That scared everyone. Everyone, that is, except Ron, who thought it damaged his corneas, Hermione, who thought that he should get purple sunglasses, and Ginny, who thought they were sexy. Then Harry remembered they were supposed to ride on her Harley that afternoon, and sped out to meet her.

She was out, wearing a leather jacket, leather pants, black boots, a red shirt, and a red bandana. She was also wearing sunglasses like Harry's but it seemed like she could see. When she saw him, she flicked him off and told him to sit. She gave him goggles, and Harry put them on, relieved that he could see and not feel his pupils baking.

They rode to some bar that Harry didn't recognize, but the outside was lined with other motorcycles, magical brands and Harleys. Ginny seemed right at home when she ordered them two drinks, and they sat and discussed black the whole afternoon.


End file.
